The last nine months have been… intense. Trying to find the right word to describe this period of time and all that I have experienced within myself is, well, difficult. It is a blessing… it is an amazing thing… yes. But even more so, it is an incredibly scary thing. Every inner fear and imagined future scenario that could possibly arise or conjure itself within the human being has made its way through me over the last 271 days of…waiting.
Every man who has walked before me, and there are millions of them, knows what I am talking about. Learning for the first time that you are going to be a father to another human being without the plans, foundation, or desires to do so is a powerful energy that makes you feel helpless and humbled.
So what I am saying is that this pregnancy was not planned. SURPRISE. This pregnancy was not a result of carelessness either—it was a result of fate. I have always been that guy who felt like there was a good chance I would never have kids. We all make plans… we all think we know what we need… we all think we know how our lives are supposed to play out; It’s clear… I became complacent, I became comfortable, and I became big headed in many ways. I, like many people do, felt as though I had reached a point where I could dictate the arenas in which I would learn my next life lessons… unlike my younger years. You know? The years when love forcefully takes you gently and lovingly by the wrist for the first times only to hang you out to dry and wither, the years when your parents decide where you will go to school, what activities you will partake in, and where you will live; The years when your life and your choices have yet to become fully, yours.
I have learned many lessons already from this experience and my child has yet to enter this world. I can only imagine the many more that are waiting behind the tall, intimidating door of fatherhood. This experience has humbled me and it has reminded me that I don’t know what is best for me all the time. In fact, the moment you think you know what is best, when you think you have a hold on where you are going, when you think you know what arenas your next life lesson ought to be in—life, the expansive universe and it’s billions of years of intelligent evolutionary knowingness, intervenes. Because we are always changing and we are always learning, as is the nature of life, we are always a step behind what is truly best, in the highest good, for the current leg of our journey.
I have never been more confused and I have never had to face myself the way I have had to now and over the previous nine months. Sitting in my office chair mere days– possibly hours– away from my child entering this world one thing has become clear: Nothing I had planned to pursue before this happened could have possibly taught me the lessons and provided me with the challenges my soul and my heart truly desires. How do I know this? Because those things did not happen– this did. I have wanted to discover true undying love, I have wanted to face my fears, and I have wanted to test, challenge, and further expand myself spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. While the arena might not be a foreign country, trekking alone along the streets, trains, and desolate roadways as many of us envision our inner spiritual quests unfolding, it is already clear to me that this journey will still enable me to expand, in just as much a powerful way, possibly more. Not only will these aforementioned lessons be a pivotal force behind my experiences as a father, but I am sure many others will follow suit; I can’t even begin to think of all that will be presented to me over the next decades and beyond.
Recognizing that this isn’t the death of my old life and the birth of a new one was an important revelation for me. It is merely a change to the vehicle. No different than any other change that is taking place moment to moment during life on earth. Is it a major change? Yes, still simplified, a fundamental life change at the end of the day. I am still who I was. I can still be who I am. I am still capable of making choices and changes that affect and alter the first two. Ultimately, I can still become that which my soul urges me to become… maybe now I will just have more love and support in my life along the way.
Nonetheless, it is the scariest thing I have embarked on yet in my life. But that is the part I will enjoy: being challenged and being loved by another person the way on a child can love another person. It will be interesting. This post is for anyone in my similar position who feels alone; as I did for months… it is for the man who has yet to conquer his career and conquer himself who is thrust into this life change. Know that it has a purpose, know that even though you cannot see it yet, it will reveal itself shortly.